Friday, August 31, 2007

A Writer of Ficion is What I Am

Am I the same person I was yesterday?
Will I be the same person tomorrow?
Life is traveling like a shooting star.
All fast and sparkling.
But, eventually, fading.
I am 29.
And I've just known what love is.
What will I learn when I am one year older?

I've been sucked into the vortex of my new job. It's been extremely busy, but the disconcerting thing is that I'm enjoying it, despire the fact that I've put in 8 hours on a Friday, something I've never done before and that I didn't think I'd even contemplate.

I've hardly had time to catch my breath. Hours and days are tinged with a sensation of timelessness, time has no more weight. And through them there is one thing that now matters to me most. One thing and one thing alone. And it's a beautiful thing.

No, I've not been writing. The truth is that I actually miss writing. I miss being a 'writer'. And all that comes along with it, the freedom, liberation, wrecklessness, carelessness... a complete disregard for reality. I am a writer of fiction. And fiction is what I write.

But I don't feel I am the same writer I was four, five or even ten years ago! I no longer write because I NEED to. There is a sense of obligation, of responsibility, an unwelcomed burden.

I want to go back to the writer I am. Go back to losing myself into the thick of it, and not the idea of it. I worry, and this is, now, my darkest worries, is that I will never be that writer ever again.


moon-light7 said...

I certainly don't have your experience in writing and I know you didn't write this for any advices...but if you allow me I can tell you this, of which I'm sure:
We travel through life's many events. We can take a fast plane, a slower car, a much slower train, or even take a walk through it. The point is, we have a choice.
We could also choose to try them all! That's the beauty of having a choice. What if I don't have a choice, you might ask. Well, in this case I should remind you that everything has its own time. Who knows what will happen tomorrow? So, instead of worrying about it, live the moment!
If you got hocked up in your work, which is fine, then why not enjoy it when you can?
You once believed, in the past, that you were a true writer, and that kind of believe can never be wrong. You know why? cuz if you went back in time and told yourself back then what you're thinking now, yourself back then won't allow you to think this way! You might even fight over it:) Yourself back then will win I'm sure, cuz it was full of will and believe!
I'm sure You'll write again, without that sense of obligation, probably even in a more developed and mature way of writing. You simply never know when. just LIVE THE MOMENT, take a slow train and look out the window and be inspired...or just look out your car window as you go to work, you never know what your eyes might catch.
After all, didn't you write this very post because you LIVED THE MOMENT? or because, if I may say so, you NEEDED to?

Sorry for the loooooong comment:p don't post it. I just wrote cuz I think I understand what you're going through.

Ali Al Saeed said...

thank you for the lovely post, and yes I see what you are saying. You've made me smile. You made sense to me.

I've always tried my best to live in the moment, I was never weary of the past, or the future. But now, these have become things that I find myself attempting to understand and realize.

I know that every time I do go back to writing, I am a different writer, and I write as a different person. I just wish I did it as often as I did before. Eventually, it will return. And when it does, I will embrace it wholeheartedly.

Thanks again S, :)